Struggling with the ‘Good Girl Syndrome’? 3 Ways to Break Free from People-Pleasing

| Last updated: September 24th 2026 |

You’ve been a people-pleaser for as long as you can remember – and it has left you exhausted.

You rehearsed a text message four times before sending it, softening every sentence so nobody could possibly be upset with you.

If you raised your hand to ask a question, it was with rolled shoulders, a bent elbow and a: ‘Sorry… can I just ask something?’

You’ve said ‘yes’ far too many times when you really wanted to say ‘no’. Volunteering for fund-raisers at your daughter’s school when it wasn’t even her year level that was involved. Dog-sitting for your sister while she took her family on a cruise (and not only was her dog not house-trained, but he dug up all the fresh seedlings you had spent weekends planting with care. Letting your boss dump responsibilities on you that were outside your job description because the accounts manager was on maternity leave and ‘you should be able to handle this – you’re good with numbers’.

After such events – in the car, in the shower, lying awake at 11pm – you replayed it all. You wonder why you can’t just say what you mean like other women seem to… and you resent those who have pushed you for more than you could give (but would never tell them.)

You might think that this is ‘just how you are’ – but I’m going to challenge this belief.

I’m also going to name this condition. It’s called the Good Girl Syndrome.

And it’s running (and ruining) more of your life than you think.

How People-Pleasing and the Good Girl Syndrome Begins

Being a ‘Good Girl’ or a people-pleaser comes with a plethora of behaviours, hence the reason I call it a ‘syndrome’. It inevitably begins in childhood, where we are steered away from our own inner guidance or Emotional Guidance Scale (as taught by spiritual teachers, Abraham-Hicks). We learn very quickly that in order to receive affection and praise and feel loved, we have to behave in a certain way: a way that our parents (or caregivers) approve of.

Through a trauma-informed lens, we are born survival-oriented. We naturally develop an attachment to our parents because attachment means safety and survival. From this, the same thing happens as Abraham-Hicks shares: we shape our behaviour to ensure our survival. We learn to associate certain emotions and their instinctive behaviours with negative consequences. This is fertile ground for developmental trauma – especially since this conditioning usually occurs from birth to the age of seven, when we are at our most impressionable.

There are no ‘bad’ emotions; every emotion exists for a reason. Every emotion is to be befriended and embraced for the gifts they offer.

Let’s use anger as an example (especially since it relates so strongly to the Good Girl Syndrome).

The purpose of anger is to voice your boundaries.

But many parents don’t know this – nor do they like it when their babies and young children throw tantrums. All parents do the best they know how – including taking on board advice that they’re given. And so your parent may have been advised to let you self-soothe when you became angry.

They walk away from their wailing, toy-throwing, bombastic toddler – and have a chance to breathe and collect their thoughts.

Their child – you – would be given the opportunity to learn how to self-soothe, and you would calm down eventually.

This sounds good in theory, but problems arise in practice:

a) It’s incredibly counter-intuitive to leave your child in a room alone when they are highly distressed (trust me, I’ve tried with my daughter before I understood what this did to her nervous system!)

b) This is harmful to their nervous system. The distressed child soon learns that expressing anger = abandonment. When they are angry, their sympathetic nervous system is activated and locked into ‘fight’ mode. When you leave, they eventually ‘calm down by themselves’ – not because they have somehow successfully closed the stress response loop all by themselves, but because they’ve dropped into dorsal vagal activation (high tone)… and into ‘freeze’ mode. (NB: When I talk about the nervous system, it is from a polyvagal perspective.)

In short, when young children are distressed, they need a parent to be present with them – not abandon them.

Young children need a grown-up to help them co-regulate.

If this was how your anger was met when you were a young child, you would’ve inevitably come to associate anger (‘fight’) with abandonment, followed by your response of shutting down or ‘freezing’. This creates another state known as ‘fawning’.

Fight (activated Sympathetic Nervous System) + Freeze (activated dorsal vagal in the Parasympathetic Nervous System) = Fawn

And ‘fawning’, my friend, is the ‘Good Girl Syndrome’ and its behaviours:

➡️ Inability to establish and implement boundaries

➡️ Trouble saying ‘no’

➡️ Struggling to speak up

➡️ Low self-esteem and self-worth

➡️ Lack of confidence

➡️ Putting others’ needs before your own

➡️ General compliance

➡️ Deep fear of conflict

➡️ Probable fear of becoming angry

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Being a Good Girl is a Survival Adaptation

With this background information about how the Good Girl Syndrome comes about, I’m going to revisit what I said about this ‘just being how you are.’ You were not born a ‘Good Girl’. It came from childhood conditioning (and has possibly resulted in developmental trauma, where anger or its ripple effects, like fear of conflict, has become your shadow or orphaned part.) You’ve been rewarded for ‘Good Girl’ behaviour all your life: saying ‘yes’, playing small, keeping quiet and doing what you were told – and in womanhood, being the dependable one. You might also have found that in womanhood, instead of navigating through the whole exhausting pattern of becoming angry and coming into ‘fight’ mode – only to face abandonment and shutting down – you simply take the shortcut. You suppress your anger.

Anger suppression underlies the Good Girl Syndrome. It is not a personality trait – not who you authentically are – but a survival adaptation.

The Good Girl Syndrome and its people-pleasing behaviours is a survival adaptation that comes from childhood conditioning.

When you don’t express your anger in an intentional and meaningful way, you will likely arrive at a state of overwhelm and resentment. You resent others for imposing on you, your time, your energy and your expertise, as well yourself for your lack of self-advocacy. Resentment and ‘fawning’ can lead to chronic illnesses such as irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia and chronic pain. In a yin-yang fashion, they can also bring about the opposite behaviour: resent and fawn long enough and you will become a powder keg, rearing to explode.

In Traditional East Asian Medicine (TEAM), anger suppression (and its inevitable build- up) creates Liver Qi Stagnation. Physical imbalances follow, as can Liver Blood Stasis and more symptoms pointing to qi and Blood not circulating properly in your body.

Whether it’s from a trauma-informed or TEAM perspective, anger is a powerful and potent force – and needs to be expressed in a positive, safe, healthy and constructive way.

If you don’t?

Whether it’s from a trauma-informed or TEAM perspective, the consequence is dis-ease.

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3 Strategies to Break Free from the Good Girl Syndrome

Here’s the golden takeaway: you’re not broken and you don’t need to be fixed. You don’t need to become a different person to break through the Good Girl Syndrome and heal from its soul-diminishing behaviours. I’ve found that the best results for clients come from shifting your mindset and dropping into your soma (your living body) to access and bring anger to the surface – and ultimately, embrace anger and its gifts.

Here are 3 of my best strategies to help you shift from people-pleasing to self-advocacy and respect. >> Setting your Boundaries, Finding (and Using) Your Voice and Saying ‘No!’ are important topics that I explore with my clients through my Signature Program, ‘Warrior Emerging’.

1. Clarify and Implement your Boundaries

Think of a toddler when they don’t want to be picked up or are refusing to eat their broccoli and mushrooms. Their face turns red, they shout, their tiny hands are balled into fists. They throw toys, food, themselves, all in the name of making their boundaries heard.

I’m not suggesting that you throw a tantrum to express your boundaries. That’s a rage-filled outburst, and it’s prevalent in midlife (aka as Menopause Rage). Toddlers act like this largely because they can’t yet communicate their needs, wants and desires – and therefore, their boundaries – in a civil manner. But what toddlers do know in that lashing-out/melting-down moment is very clearly, what they want or don’t want. And Good Girls can take this on board.

You first need to be consciously aware of your boundaries before you can set them. Choose a boundary in your life that you would like to implement. It can be as small or as big as you want: no screen time after 8pm, every Sunday morning is to be undisturbed ‘you-time’, or spending less time with (or even dropping) a certain friend because she puts you down and expects you to keep playing small. (If you work with me, I’d really explore the latter with you to help you create strong boundaries about people like this, and for you to shift into your new identity as the Highest Empowered Version of You.)

Write down this desired boundary, then answer:

• What can you change to make this boundary real?
• When is a realistic timeframe to make these changes?
• Who are your support people to help you realise this boundary?
• What would it mean to you to have this boundary in place?

Then action this boundary!

2. Practice Speaking Up in Low-Risk Environments

There are a number of reasons women find it difficult to speak up. Apart from the Good Girl Syndrome and childhood conditioning, you might be afraid of the consequences of speaking up, have had a past negative experience, or may be part of a culture or family where your inherited role is as a peacekeeper (and thus, you must keep calm and quiet). You may also sadly feel that your opinion doesn’t matter (I can assure you, Soul Sister, that it absolutely does!)

One of the best ways to practice using your voice and saying ‘no’ is to do so in low-risk environments. Make it clear what you’d like to order from the menu at a restaurant. Go shopping with a girlfriend and choose a dress off the rack: ‘I think I’ll try this on. I’ve been looking for a dress like this – it might look good on me.’ Add your input at a work meeting (so long as your thoughts are on the same wavelength as others – just for now!) Next time you’re asked to volunteer at school and you really don’t want to take part, simply say, ‘No, I’m sorry, I can’t this time.’ No one will mind.

An important part of this practice is to make sure you exercise your voice in front of people who would support you. This might be your partner or spouse, adult children or encouraging friends.

Once you become more confident speaking up and declaring ‘no’, you can try voicing your opinion on controversial topics.

>> This gentle practice is so crucial to helping you use your voice that my ‘Warrior Emerging’ Signature Program features two 7 Day Challenges where I support you through this (and hold you accountable if you’re the type of person who needs it!) The ‘Voice Activation’ Challenge and ‘Saying ‘No” Challenge postures you so you are comfortable with speaking up within just 7 days. They are anchored in 1:1 sessions with me so your body and nervous system learns that it’s safe to speak up.

When you say ‘no’, your ‘yes’ means more.

3. Find your Anger and Integrate it Somatically

The ability to implement boundaries, speak up and say ‘no’ comes from the very force that Good Girls have been brought up to believe is negative: anger. You might not think of anger as being the catalyst for boundaries and using your voice – after all, women who have clear boundaries and speak up aren’t necessarily angry women. But here’s the key: these are women who have learnt to integrate their anger.

Through integrating and embracing their anger, it transforms into empowerment.

Anger integration is approached at a somatic level, known as the ‘bottom-up’ approach. Think of these two examples and how you would hold your body with each of them (you can even say them out loud if you wish!):

‘Ah… I’m not sure… maybe…’

‘NO!’

Do it again. This time, really feel each of these in your body.

Your ‘no!’ probably feels a lot stronger in your body, as if a physical shield is projected with your ‘no!’

The energy is strong. Clean. Empowered.

Transformational Self-Defence and Martial Arts is a powerful way to embrace and integrate your anger.

Somatic therapy is terrific for integrating anger. Transformational Self-Defence and Martial Arts (TSDMA) is the heart and soul of ‘Warrior Emerging’ and a powerful form of somatic therapy. TSDMA is synergised with martial arts, Traditional East Asian Medicine and empowerment coaching. Best of all, it’s purpose-built for anger as it encourages you to do the one thing your body wants to do when you’re angry: FIGHT. This ‘fighting’ is contained, safe, healthy and constructive, where you will be coached with presence, compassion and support by yours truly.

When C first came to me, she struggled to say ‘no’: a byproduct of the Good Girl Syndrome and developmental trauma from growing up in a hostile environment. Partway through the ‘Warrior Emerging’ program, her posture and demeanour changed. She was more frequently talking to me with her shoulders pulled back, speaking clearly – and shouting ‘no!’ with her TSDMA techniques with conviction. Significantly, C was able to bring this empowered ‘no’ to her daily life – and be comfortable with it.

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How the Good Girl Syndrome impacts your Safety

The basis of ‘Warrior Emerging’ and TSDMA is to help women like you alchemise anger (including suppressed anger and fear of anger or conflict) into power and confidence. Towards the end of your 4 month program with me, we progress from martial arts therapy to actual self-defence skills, strategies and frameworks.

You might be thinking, ‘Okay, I’m a people-pleaser, so what? What does that have to do with safety and self-defence?’

This is the part I lean in, look you in the eye and say quietly but clearly: ‘A LOT.’

You see, if you have been a Good Girl all your life and you’re used to complying, saying ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’ and have undiscernible boundaries, you can picture what this might look like when you’re, for example, at a bar. A guy offers to buy you a drink. You oblige and engage in a conversation with him. He starts getting handsy and drapes his arm around you. Instead of saying, ‘I’m not really into this. Thank you for the drink; it’s time I went home’, you revert to your conditioning. You shrink. Hunch your shoulders. Smile bleakly.

Because you have not said ‘no’, this guy – who may have had a few drinks – interprets your gentle nature and non-objection as a ‘yes’.

Before you know it, he has lured you into the backseat of his car or a hotel room.

You’re in a highly compromised position. You freeze. Every part of you wants to scream ‘no’ and fight him off – but you can’t.

So you submit… and more trauma is layered on top of the developmental trauma that had come about in childhood…

While the Good Girl Syndrome may have served you as a survival adaptation in childhood, it is diabolical when it comes to self-protection.

Purely from a self-protection and self-defence perspective, you can see why I’m so passionate about helping women break free from people-pleasing.

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The Bottom Line is…

The Good Girl Syndrome and its people-pleasing behaviour is not part of your authentic self or true personality. Rather, it is a survival adaptation that served you in childhood… but brings with it many problems in adulthood. This includes low self-esteem and confidence, a lack of boundaries, struggling to speak up and say ‘no’, putting others’ needs before your own and a deep-seated fear of conflict.

Three ways to break through the Good Girl Syndrome are to:

1. Clarify and implement your boundaries
2. Practice speaking up in low-risk environments
3. Find your anger and integrate it somatically

Anger that is integrated transforms into empowerment. Transformational Self-Defence and Martial Arts, the core modality of my ‘Warrior Emerging’ Signature Program, is designed specifically for healing and integrating anger (including suppressed anger and fear of anger or conflict) and helping you step into holistic empowerment. ‘Warrior Emerging’ also arms you with genuine, tried-and-true self-defence techniques so that if you do find yourself in a dangerous situation, you will be able to confidently protect yourself – without shrinking into your former Good Girl self.

Solid self-defence techniques, strategies and frameworks are embodied assets that no one can ever take away from you.

What you can do if you are struggling with the Good Girl Syndrome

• Make some time today to start practising strategies 1 and 2 outlined above
• Physically channel your hidden anger through a short TSDMA session. You can download my Free Empowerment Toolkit: ‘How to Heal Anger and Frustration through Transformational Self-Defence and Martial Arts’ for 6 easy and effective techniques and a battle cry to get you started. (And yes, you can actually use them in a real-life self-defence situation!) You will notice the energetic and physical release as stagnant Liver Qi starts to disperse. You may also feel a shift as you start to close the stress response loop by doing what your body has been rearing to do: fight.
• If you resonate with the somatic and emotional healing of TSDMA, fill out the ‘Warrior Emerging’ Application Form. It’s complimentary, obligation-free and takes about 10 minutes – so make yourself a warm matcha latte and take this opportunity to tune into how you really feel. If you’re successful, you will be invited to a complimentary ‘Warrior Emerging’ Discovery Call, where we can explore what you’ve tried and what healing and holistic empowerment means for you.

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Warrior Woman, are you ready to shed the Good Girl Syndrome… and step into High Frequency, Whole Being Empowerment?

Warrior Emerging: Your 4 Month Transformational Self-Defence and Martial Arts Empowerment Program

If you have come this far reading about the ‘Good Girl Syndrome’, good on you! This is your sign.

In your heart, Soul Sister, you know that things need to change. You want to feel respected, be seen and heard, enjoy harmonious relationships – and feel like you’re in the driver’s seat of your life.

‘Warrior Emerging’ is my beautiful Signature Program. It is built upon Transformational Self-Defence and Martial Arts, a unique methodology for emotional and somatic healing that I have developed across 30 years of Martial Arts and Self-Defence Instruction, and 20 years of Empowerment Coaching and as a Traditional East Asian Medicine practitioner. ‘Warrior Emerging’ is for the Spiritual Woman who is ready to transform her charged emotions – including suppressed anger and fear of anger or conflict – and step into High Level, Whole Being Empowerment.

As a private ‘Warrior Emerging’ client, we will work intensively over 4 months in a combination of tailored 1:1 Sessions, a comprehensive online course and private mentorship.

I am here to support you through moments of emotional healing – and incredible breakthroughs. Step-by-step, you will heal from childhood conditioning of people-pleasing and towards holistic empowerment. The TSDMA techniques and strategies I teach are genuine self-defence and martial art techniques and strategies – and by the end of the program, you’ll be able to confidently fend off assailants. 

You are worth fighting for – in every sense. You are the woman to do it – and I am the woman to show you how.

Warrior Emerging.

Designed for Inner Healing.

Applicable for Real-World Self-Protection.

I am here to help you:

✅ Pinpoint the origin of your Good Girl Syndrome and people-pleasing behaviour – and heal from it

✅ Gain crystal-clear clarity on the Highest Empowered Version of You that’s waiting for you to meet her

✅ Safely integrate and befriend your anger to release the dormant power within you

✅ Alchemise your suppressed anger into empowerment through somatic therapy and TSDMA. Access your power through easy qi gong and somatic yoga exercises to karate blocks and power generation principles – and powerful self-defence strikes and strategies (This can include exercises to heal from sexual wounding).

✅ Learn important (yet quick!) energetic tools to complement the process of transmuting your emotions

✅ Find – and use – your Voice in a Very. Big. Way.

✅ Set clear, firm Boundaries – in your life and in self-defence.

✅ Build shine-from-the-inside-out Confidence, as you discover the spiritual basis of Confidence and Self-Love.

✅ Understand crucial Prevention and Protection strategies and how to adopt a safety mindset. This includes my unique ‘4 Stages of Interception’ Model

✅ Learn what not to do in self-defence and martial arts! (This mistake alone took me years of precious practice to unlearn!)

✅ Become physically empowered in self-defence through learning tried-and-true disengagements from common grabs (and their variations) and other attacks. Perfectly suitable for beginners, this includes how to use ‘Everyday Weapons’ for self-defence as well as my 6-Step Self-Defence against Grabs ‘Recipe’.

Warrior Woman, are you ready to discover – and embrace – the true power that lies within you?

Learn More about ‘Warrior Emerging’ and its Inclusions

Apply for ‘Warrior Emerging’ Now >>

It’s complimentary, obligation-free – and takes just 10 minutes.

If your application is successful, you will be invited to a complimentary ‘Warrior Emerging’ Discovery Call where you can ask your questions in real time, discuss your goals and challenges with me, and explore what High Frequency, Whole Being Empowerment looks like for you.